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Jun. 7th, 2003


day before yesterday's dilemma

i more or less committed myself to working almost full time starting july. weirdly enough while i've been angsting & whining about this decision and its implications for months, aside from a momentary stab of panic and a frantic call to my sister, what i felt was mostly a vague sort of relief, and i can't decide if that's good, bad, or very, very scary. i won't exmatriculate yet, but i guess i'm just easing myself out... it doesn't feel like a life sentence, not a defeat or degrading, despite myself having said exactly that to g. only the night before. more like a beginning, maybe something of a different perspective now i can at least stop going over the same issues again and again for a while. an obstacle i kept throwing myself against suddenly removed, leaving me free to notice and pursue different directions. (though it's really quite likely this feeling won't last) it's not what i wanted or dreamed, but i just caught myself thinking i'd be nice having an apartment just a little larger when i'll have to start looking for one next year. or maybe a tv.

it's just that i'd feel a lot more comfortable if i could be surer about the reasons behind this decision... did some things people said to me recently help put my thoughts in a better and more objective perspective, or was i only too ready to accept any pretext available for not having to face challenges? avoidance has always been my fault.




yesterday's dilemma.

think before you act, woman. god damn it.
(ex-?) co worker missing in action, er, italy, calls, vaguely asking how things are going, obviously checking out whether there's a chance of her being re-hired when she returns. and oops!! realisation sets in. maybe i shouldn't have mentioned my wish to work more to the boss yet. true, m. already had told him, informally, true, i said, conditionally, depending on whether e. would return and that i didn't want to hurt her chances... but still... bad. inconsiderate. i ought to have taken into consideration that he'd had complaints about her before, and my offer might have effectively ruined her chances to get re-hired.
i'm not a person naturally given to intrigue or mobbing (or so i'd like to believe), so i guess it speaks volumes about my level of self-centredness that until then my main concern was the consequences this decision would have for my life.

of course even while m. and i with all he best intentions talked her into staying a 2nd month, the final decision was hers and given the choice she risked loosing her job and taking the chance whether he'd re-hire her or not, but that doesn't make what i did any less ethically reprehensible. that there wasn't any bad intent behind it, just a momentary panic and a lot of thoughtlessness isn't an excuse. nor is that neither m. nor i knew for sure whether she'd even want to come back at all...

in fact it's rather scary to observe the brain kicking into overdrive trying to justify my actions to myself.

the worst thing, that makes those displays of qualms pointless and me a hypocrite is that deep down i do want it, now that i'd finally made the decision for myself. if i, personally, had to decide, i'd probably say ok, if it's her or me, i take the offer back, re-hire her, but if the decision were comfortably taken out of my hands... and i fear it already is, more or less... sucks. i thought i was a better person than that....


today.

it's really too hot for anything. too hot to work, especially.

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