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And G. manages to make me feel guilty again. Perhaps I should feel guilty. But: He checked himself out of the hospital instead of waiting for surgery there, and then called me at work yesterday ('You're always working?' Duh. M. on a three week holiday. I might have mentioned it, like, ten times or so.), and wanted me to visit him in the evening, and hey, could I bring him chocolate and mineral water. I ended up asking if he really needed anything, and did not go. (There are other people taking care of him, too. The tap water is perfectly drinkable, it's not as if he's going to dehydrate.) I'm aware of how unkind that was, and I'm beating myself up for it, at least slightly (and feel guilty about the 'slightly'), but right there and then I felt totally overwhelmed and just could not deal. Three weeks where I'm the one responsible (R. doesn't really count), right when I'm trying to sort out a problem with two expensive books I never ordered, but got anyway, after a weekend that for all purposes didn't exist, G. related drama the week before, and four times two hours of How-To-Better-Sell-Stuff seminar before work next week. I couldn't even feign politeness and/or kindness.

There are people I'd do it for, no questions asked, no whining. It's just that this is the guy who totally dismissed me as a person (except that I could still proof-read his papers, and should appreciate the favour) when I told him I was bisexual, which for some reason in his head apparently added up as not going to sleep with him, or not going to fall in love with him. I don't know what he wants from me. I never felt he respected or even took seriously anything that was important to me. I wasn't happy when he started dropping by again, and I very much suspect he does it because no boyfriend or girlfriend has materialised yet (or maybe to get me to proof-read again, who knows), and the whole situation makes me slightly uncomfortable.


What bothers me is that my energy level is so low, that the mere thought of having to go and buy stuff and spend the evening with G. instead of being able to go home and crash threw me in a state of slight panic. It wasn't such a big thing, after all. I should have done it. I should have been able to do it. It was the same with my sister's last boyfriend - it took longer, but at one point I just wasn't able to deal with the post-break up depression, the related issues, the constant calls, just stopped answering the phone.

I guess I suck as a friend and as a person.

Is the problem that I feel I should be able to fix things, and am scared that I won't be able to? Why do I always have to keep people at a safe distance, and back away when someone wants anything from me... am I too wrapped up in my own issues, depression, whatever, that I almost entirely lack the ability to be sympathetic or helpful? Or am I being over-dramatic again?

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( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
un_crayon_rouge
Sep. 18th, 2005 07:58 am (UTC)
No way are you a bad person or friend. I mean, I don't know you all *that* well, but well enough by now, I dare say. You said it yourself, you'd have done it for other people, but not for this guy. My guess is, you felt so incapacitated because you are protecting yourself from someone who just isn't good for you. You are not generally unsympathetic, you are just unsympathetic to *him*, you want to keep your distance to *him*. That's perfectly understandable, and you should do it. It's not like friendships should always be Friede Freude Eierkuchen, and it's obvious you have some history, but if everything tells you to stay away, then that's what you should do.

Just me babbling again. Was thinking about friendships and am I a bad friend or not just yesterday, so I guess this is as much a reaction to my own thoughts than your post.
solitary_summer
Sep. 18th, 2005 10:50 am (UTC)
Well, as I said before, I often do have emotional reactions that are a little... off, but in this case I'd really like to believe you're right.

(At the risk of sounding very petty in the face of injury, but then again this has bugged me before - he never understood that after eight hours of customers often enough the only thing I want with various degrees of desperation is to be able to close a door behind me & shut everyone out; he drops by, thinks I have this wonderful job where I can read and everything is fine and dandy. During all the years I knew him only the last year or so he had a regular part time job, in der Peterskirche, Aufsicht und so, which his mother got him. He lives in an apartment owned by his mother. It's not that I'd hold that against him, but every time he complains how wonderful my job is, that I have an apartment, how bad his relationship with his mother is... part of me wants to smack him. I'm not saying I made the best of choices giving up university, but OTOH I saw that I'd never get a job there that would get me any kind of regular income. I guess it's the fact that this decision hurt quite badly for some time that makes me a little hard on him, but if he chooses to pursue, well not exactly an academic career, because apart from occasionally publishing his papers he isn't employed anywhere, but well, an academic *something* that's the price *he* pays. If he thinks that working in a bookshop is so great, then he should try and get a job somewhere, and maybe he'll find out that this, like so many things, isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

/rant.

M'sorry. )
un_crayon_rouge
Sep. 18th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
after eight hours of customers often enough the only thing I want with various degrees of desperation is to be able to close a door behind me & shut everyone out

Same here. Retail is always draining. And no one ever has time to read in a book-shop. Or a library.
watergarden
Sep. 20th, 2005 05:28 pm (UTC)
I don't think you sound unkind; it sounds like you're taking care of yourself and your own needs, rather than catering to someone who already has plenty of people who are already being cared for.
solitary_summer
Sep. 21st, 2005 05:33 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Somehow G. always manages to make me feel guilty, upset & generally bad about myself...
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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