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Feb. 9th, 2006


I'm back one day, one, and already I'm beginning to sink back into the swamp of exhaustion and lethargy. Work was okay-ish, tolerable, but I came home tired, fixed something to eat, aimlessly wandered around online, started to watch a movie on dvd but wasn't interested enough, went back online, wandered around some more, found & read a longish, NC-17, but romantic enough to push my emotional buttons, J/D story. And it's almost midnight already, another day gone, wasted. Go me. [inner voice, dripping with sarcasm] During the last week and a half I read Anna Karenina, Der Idiot, Kaminer's Russendisko (which perhaps shouldn't count, since it was two hours reading at best), re-read E. M. Forster's Maurice and was undecided (ca. 50 pages into both) whether I should (re-)read Der Zauberberg or Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse next, when I was packing and driving home.

I felt good, I felt calm and focused, I had five wonderful (exhilarating; happy) days of skiing, decent sleeping patterns for a change, no anxiety/solitude attacks this time, the voices in my head that never ever shut up, endlessly spinning out what-ifs and might-have-beens, all kinds of stories, hypothetical situations, &c., ad nauseam, almost silenced.


Gone, already.

The self-disgust isn't just a pose, but sadly it doesn't change anything either, doesn't push me towards resolutions - it's not really strong enough for that. It merely numbs and paralyses.





Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
queerbychoice
Feb. 10th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
That photograph is amazing.
solitary_summer
Feb. 10th, 2006 07:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
un_crayon_rouge
Feb. 10th, 2006 12:34 pm (UTC)
I feel the same way. I'm telling myself it's the winter, and possibly hug-deprivation.
solitary_summer
Feb. 10th, 2006 08:12 pm (UTC)
You know, I really would like to have a lot of money, so that I could ditch the job. Which is probably immature, irresponsible and a sign that I'm still a spoiled child at heart, and most likely it wouldn't even solve anything, but I can't get a clear head after a work day. I can't think at all...

Or perhaps I just need a hug and a cuddle, too. :(
un_crayon_rouge
Feb. 11th, 2006 12:48 pm (UTC)
I'm all for ditching the job. Not childish at all.

Hm, maybe I should really start playing lottery...

Meanwhile, help yourself to some internets hugs.

::hugs::
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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