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I don't know why this keeps happening. How can I move/switch/fall from feeling secure in myself, positive, happy almost, to this state of mind where all the destructive emotions are, where everything takes on a negative taint, like nothing's ever changed over the last two years, within the space of a day? How can I even be sure what's real any more, and when I am deluding myself? Do I get to make the rules? I thought so, for a while, but I'm not so sure just now.



Eh. Ignore me. Most likely it's only the PMS in whose existence I refuse to believe...

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
solitarydancer
Feb. 28th, 2006 09:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, no, I can't ignore you because you pose such interesting questions. I would surmise that any response would depend upon your overall view of life, the afterlife, fate, etc.

I think our confusion stems from being torn between what we innately believe to be true and what society would rather have us believe. Our entire lives are focused around fear: fear that "they" won't like us, "they" won't like our clothing choices, our hair, our talents/abilities, our personality, our sense of humor, our car, our home, our income, etc. We are all afraid of being judged by those who really don't have any ultimate authority over us -- the rest of humanity.

Just my two-cents, as calamity posted an interesting writeup about trust.
solitary_summer
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:07 am (UTC)
You're right... I've been struggling to get out of this self-destructive 'must fulfill everyone's expectations, or else my whole life is a failure'-mindset for the last couple of years, but sometimes, apparently, it still sneaks up on me, and I'm just utterly convinced that there is no possible reason why anyone ever would like me, that I'm worthless, etc, and so on, ad nauseam.

But at least I do have some perspective now, and I hope that'll make it easier & faster to snap out of it...
solitarydancer
Mar. 1st, 2006 03:02 pm (UTC)
Perspective is a wonderful thing!

I like you, and I haven't even "known" you very long. You seem articulate, intelligent, and (most importantly) like a person who strives to better themselves and make the most out of life. I think those are all commendable attributes.
solitary_summer
Mar. 1st, 2006 09:11 pm (UTC)
Uh-oh. Please don't expect too much. I've been making my slow way out of depression for the last two years or so, and while I try to be self-analytic, there's still plenty of wallowing, whining, mood-swings, etc. Let's just say I'm not the most energetic, ambitious, driven person that ever lived.
solitarydancer
Mar. 1st, 2006 10:44 pm (UTC)
I think that only keeps you human. Perhaps I see more positive simply out of choice, but I know it's all a result of a seed planted somewhere.

It's not what you've done that matters, really ... it's what you DO. So long as you make your way back to the path of less wallowing (per se), you've accomplished something...no matter how many times that has to happen.

Consider the thought process behind being a diet. If a person attempts to restrict their intact 24/7, they will inevitably fail. If they restrict their intact 24/6 they have a better chance of success. Point being, you have to give a little to get positive results. Don't expect that you will spend everyday being happy and chipper, and be willing to allow yourself those down days.
solitary_summer
Mar. 2nd, 2006 08:49 pm (UTC)
Sad thing is, I know that, theoretically, and occasionally can even convince myself, but some part of me has to always want the extremes, everything, perfect, here and now. Which is why I'm really grateful that I have people like you, and un_crayon_rouge, who said something very similar, to remind me... :)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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