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I've come to the conclusion that my brain cannot think visually and verbally at the same time. Last year I had a period where I only ever posted pictures on livejournal, not even feeling the need for any kind of verbal expression, but since I've started to writing so much again, even if the greatest part of it is TW related, my interest in photography has dropped sharply, and I hardly ever catch myself thinking, "This would have been I great photo, I wish I had my camera with me". These days instead of a camera I carry I small notebook & pen in my bag to scribble down thoughts so that I don't forget them. I took the bike and the camera out yesterday evening, but instead of looking for motives I ended up mentally composing livejournal entries.

And to be honest, I'd feel better about that if at least I came to any profound philosophical conclusions about myself or the world, or if it resulted in funny and smart blog entries instead of, well, TW analysis. Because as much as I enjoy this (and I really do) the guilt-tripping part of my brain keeps nagging about getting a life and doing something useful, and, see, photography was at least creative, and who cares about two fictional people screwing and then whens & whys & wherefores thereof.


Maybe I'd feel better about this if I were at least writing fanfic, but I'm under no delusions about my fiction writing skills. And Torchwood especially... I've been scribbling a bit and keep adding bits here and there, and on some level I'm incredibly pleased that I can think up anything fictitious at all (This pretty much how I feel about belly-dancing. I know I'm never going to be super graceful, but I'm constantly astounded that I can do this at all, remember steps and a choreography and have my hand and feet in almost the right places in the end.), but I rather suspect in the end I'l lose interest and it'll remain half finished on my HD forever, and I kind of thought maybe giving it up for adoption, because some of the ideas perhaps aren't utter shite and someone else might be doing them more justice.

Part of the problem of course is that I'm so embarrassingly vanilla that I can't write anything really kinky to save my life. Issues of style and execution aside, I can do the angsty part about dealing with trauma and death and immortality and maybe building some sort of a relationship regardless, and maybe some vague fade-to-black sex that hopefully drives home the right emotional points, but the all the kinkier, sex-loving aspects of Torchwood and Jack... I can't write that, because that's something I don't really get. And I'd need at least one scene that's a little on the BDSMish side. ::throws hands up in frustration::


In conclusion, fanfic writing, not so much. ::sigh::

I should really get back to photogrpahy.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
carose59
Apr. 27th, 2008 04:11 pm (UTC)
My experience with writing is, I'm always writing about myself no matter what I'm writing. And I think analyzing how a movie or a TV show effects me really is important writing; for one thing, you can say things other people are thinking but can't verbalize.

And don't look at your writing and think you're not saying anything important. So often while I'm writing, I don't even know what I'm writing about. And it can take a while before I get it.

So please, don't judge yourself so harshly. And this is coming from someone who doesn't watch Torchwood, and who loves your photographs. *g*
solitary_summer
Apr. 27th, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the encouragement -- I know I tend to be too negative about myself, but that's something so incredibly hard to get rid of.

I guess part of my problem is that I haven't really found out yet how all this connects to me, what it says about me. At this point it feels more like running away from myself...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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