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Oct. 24th, 2003


The climate changes are stealing my favourite seasons. Spring was practically non-existent this year, the bare week and a half before temperatures rose to the 30ies, where they mostly stayed before suddenly dropping to uncomfortable 10C or thereabout at the end of September. Right now it's snowing. Snow. Vienna. October.

Whatever happened to autumn? Mellow autumn days, watching the leaves being blown about, but still enjoying the sun on your face?


Going through my journal(s), saving entries and editing memories... some things (thoughts, phrases) I rather liked, more often I felt vaguely embarrassed by the teenage pseudo-goth drama queen persona that took over at entirely to late an age.


In some respects I think I'm a lot more balanced now, more sure of myself. But while it is occasionally comforting not to stand so close to the edge, some edge, all the time, I also feel a lot duller and more shallow now. It may sound overly self-indulgent or self-destructive even, but in the despair I'd felt were at least still possibilities. Today it's an entirely different and more definite brand of hopelessness. The resignation, that at 30 my life is... over? in most respects that matter. I'll have this job or one similar to it, nothing to challenge my intellect on a professional level. If I let myself think to hard about this I could cry. It was different as long as I could still pretend it was just a job, not a life or future. But even if I just paid the university fee for another semester I can't kid myself any longer that it's anything but buying (at a cost I can't really afford, either) myself the illusion that I'm still something more than a person who works in a book-store. For a living. Arrogant? Probably.

But I've always been a rather solitary person, if not quite as anti-social as I've become recently - I never used to define myself over relationships. I don't have those or a family to balance or even outweigh the personal (professional) frustration. It's hard to think of yourself in any positive way or even maintain a minimum of self-respect, when you've failed everyone and everything in your life.

I lost all the aspirations at art I used to have; though perhaps 'lost' is an all too charitably vague term - destroyed more likely. I haven't written anything or touched clay in over a year. There aren't any feelings left to express except a vague, entirely impotent and not very healthy anger at myself and the world.

Alone. By choice? In some respects I think I'm becoming a little better socialised, but I also tend to withdraw more and more. I used to talk to people on the web, have friends even in one or two cases. Interaction at least. Used to post on forums. Now I barely hover on the edges, lurking, unseen, without a particular wish to talk to anyone.

And the one feeling that doesn't go away is that of not really belonging anywhere. Again, arrogance, probably; the refusal to compromise. It is perhaps immature to hope for that easy, perfect connection to another person and I realise now the one time I thought I had it might have been an illusion from the start, not letting myself see what I didn't want to see.

I want to fall in love, and it doesn't even matter at this point if the feelings are returned, I'd just like the assurance that I still can feel that strongly. I rather doubt it, somehow.

Whiny? Self-pitying? But at least I'm not blaming anyone except myself. My main fault is my passivity, always has been. It wrecked my life, most specifically when I consciously decided I'd not to let anything matter any more, because then at least it'd hurt less. And it did, and now I don't know how to jerk myself out of this state of mind, it's become too much a part of myself. And I realised too late that I should have grown up at one point, that I didn't have all the time in the world any longer.

And I still can't find the energy to care enough to at least try changing anything. I'm still not convinced it's (I am) worth it.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
watergarden
Oct. 29th, 2003 06:38 pm (UTC)
I know I'm just a stranger -- but you sound just like I did this past spring, and it turned out that it was all about my serotonin levels having bottomed out. Have you looked into that?
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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