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Aug. 9th, 2009

So tired. Best intentions for a morning run again, but while I did manage to crawl out of bed only about an hour after the alarm rang, this was one of these days when I knew it was useless to even try. I'm trying to suppress the guilt by telling myself that I'll do some belly-dancing practice later, which I have completely neglected since the end of the semester, but I really haven't been in the mood. Which I assume is more or less directly related to the fact I've been feeling so completely uncomfortable with myself, my body, the whole being a woman thing recently. I can't exactly pin-point why, and I have no idea how to fix it, because I've never really felt like that before.

In the meantime the TW/CoE post I'm currently writing has almost reached the 5000 word mark which is a whole different reason for *facepalm*ing. I'm (happily, albeit guiltily happily) throwing away time on this that would probably be much better and certainly much more productively spent reading a book, taking photos, learning Russian, going for a walk, anything, everything else. Oh wait, trying to figure out what to do with my life, searching a new job or at least start exploring opportunities. /sarcasm

In a way it makes me so angry at myself that doing this still feels so satisfactory. I'd feel better about myself if I were at least writing fanfiction, because that at least seems a little more of a creative effort, more active, in a way. Interpretation and meta is mainly about bringing my thoughts into order, making the chaos less chaotic at least in this tiny, completely unimportant space. In a way it always revolves about control.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
un_crayon_rouge
Aug. 9th, 2009 11:27 am (UTC)
You know, as for the "anything would be better and more productive that THIS*, I think I've felt that so many times in my life, that I've reached a saturation point. Lately I've been scribbling away pages and pages of BSG fanfic with (almost) complete satisfaction. Ultimately, it comes down to "it makes me happy, so why the hell not?"

And, funnily enough, I feel the exact opposite: if at least I was writing meta, at least I would be doing some analysis, abstraction. Fanfiction is just indulging in silly fantasies.
solitary_summer
Aug. 9th, 2009 02:44 pm (UTC)
I'm going back & forth on this issue, and this seems to be one of the self-hate days. *sigh*

It also seems so horribly self-indulgent, because before CoE at least there always were a couple of people who found my TW posts interesting; now, not so much. So to write it just because it pleases me seems kind of wrong. Which doesn't make sense, I know, I know. I'll just stick to your advice. :)

And I still think fanfiction is better. :)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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