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Tuesday, when our belly-dancing class went for Glühwein and cookies afterwards, I talked to one of the other women and we kind of agreed on how Christmas means less and less every year and how and we've both started to understand the people who just leave over the holidays, and wished we could do that, too.

Since I'm the perpetually single daughter I'm the one who has to uphold the illusion of family Christmas so that it's not just my parents and the tree (real tree with real candles, which apparently is some sort of artistic statement these days?), and then turn up the next day, or the day after, and do it all over again with the whole family. I'm so tired of it. It means nothing, I feel nothing, I just wish it would all disappear. This year I even managed to find a gift my father really liked, which is a bit of a miracle in and of itself, but that didn't mean anything either. And I used to enjoy giving gifts... One of my self-created Christmas traditions is that I give my parents a couple of ornaments for the tree each year, and this year I noticed that mine are sort of starting to take over, but in the end I don't even know why I do it, or care. I guess my sister will get them eventually, because it's not as if I'm ever going to put up a tree for myself.

Is it work that so completely ruined Christmas for me, or is it just getting older and more jaded? Kalt und immer kälter... But it's hard to maintain any illusions when you see every day how it's all about money and people buying random stuff they wouldn't buy otherwise and that probably will end up unread on some bookshelf, but if they don't it's the end of economy as we know it. It's insane. Completely, utterly, crazy.

I'm so tired of it all. Of myself, too. I never wanted to become this person.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
un_crayon_rouge
Dec. 26th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
It's not just you. This year I realized that Christmas has finally lost the last shred of meaning I was trying to hold on to. Oddly enough, that enabled me to start relaxing and enjoying it again. I didn't go to my mother's place hoping for special christmassy feelings, and so we just had a nice evening together. Yes, there were candles and christmas songs, but it didn't have to *mean* anything, and that made it nice... again. I don't know if I'm making any sense here. What I mean is, maybe if you let go, it won't be that bad.

And it's not you. You haven't become any sort of mean person. It's just this craziness. I am quite happy to ignore it.
solitary_summer
Dec. 27th, 2009 02:23 pm (UTC)
It absolutely makes sense... I'm just that I'm not sure it's only Christmas; I've been feeling so empty and hopeless recently, so tired of it all.

Rationally I know it's Christmas and stress and winter and all, and will get better again, but... *helpless shrug*
un_crayon_rouge
Dec. 27th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
I know. Just hang in there. Wait for the first warmer days, and maybe it'll get a little better then. *hugs*
solitary_summer
Dec. 27th, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*

I will. Thanks! :)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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