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Dec. 27th, 2009

Practically kicked myself under the shower and out of doors for an 1 3/4 hr. walk, but that didn't really improve my mood either. Daylight might have helped, I guess... /sarcasm


This is also one of the days where I'm this close to deleting every single line of TW meta I've ever written, because I'm absolutely convinced it's all irredeemably warped by me projecting my own issues on the text. Yes? No? Maybe? Painfully obvious?


.:.:.:.


I really should pick up the books again and start studying/repeating, but at least I'm listening to Russian music?






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( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
elisi
Dec. 27th, 2009 10:05 pm (UTC)
This is also one of the days where I'm this close to deleting every single line of TW meta I've ever written, because I'm absolutely convinced it's all irredeemably warped by me projecting my own issues on the text. Yes? No? Maybe? Painfully obvious?
What? Whatwhatwhat? Don't you *dare*! Your meta is some of the most clear and brilliant I've ever come across! (Also I'm pretty sure you're not projecting - at least, I don't think we have the same issues at all and I lover everything you've written.)
solitary_summer
Dec. 27th, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC)
Sorry for the melodrama—I probably won't; there are too many hours in there, and half of the time I do think it's actually fairly decent. But with Jack especially I also genuinely do wonder sometimes whether I'm projecting my own insecurities, fears and general negativity, if I focus too much on the darkness and neglect the lighter side of the character, and if this has warped my perspective and view of canon...

(Also sorry for the ETA spam—I just realised I forgot an article.)

Edited at 2009-12-28 01:13 am (UTC)
hypolimnion
Dec. 28th, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)
Hello. This is rather abrupt, abruptness, I suppose, being the incurable defect of the internet. I read what you write and often there are subjects that I might discuss with you but having no starting-point I don't start. So there seems nothing for it but to lump in all at once and hope not to come off as entirely absurd, or as making an excessive entreaty, as it were.

1. A while ago, probably an impolitely or mystifyingly long while ago for a stranger, relatively, to remember, you mentioned that all the authors which had had an influence on you were gay. This happened to me also. I was quite distraught about it. (Finding out, extremely late in the game, about Elizabeth Bishop was the final straw. Elizabeth! How could you!) In my case I was worried that it cast aspersions on my taste—that I had been attracted, in some dumb, subterranean, animal way, by their sexualities. In other words I was afraid that I liked them because they were gay, not because they were, necessarily, any good. (I ought to note at this juncture that I should prefer not to consider myself a homosexual but the only person I have loved has been a woman, of which species I am also, so there seems no way round it.) But I gave some thought to it and thought, eventually, that what I had been picking up on was nothing markedly gay in their writing, but more a particular sort of outsiderness, which was the result—especially as so many of the authors I am thinking of predate our licentious and open modern era—of having a different underlying structure of emotions than everyone else. That so much of what people do and say is based on currents of attraction and repulsion which are motivated by sexual feeling—if one's hidden constitution is different I think it can't help but show. It makes a person examine every sort of interpersonal relationship they observe differently, I think. It gives a person a clearer and colder and more guarded sort of eye for the actions of others: a perceptive loneliness. Which is where I come in, and, if you will forgive the intrusion, you. You have mentioned also that you consider yourself largely asexual. So do I. It's the same underlying lack. This possibly sounds insulting. I don't mean it to. I mean that I feel I am not entirely part of society, often, that there is some element or elements of human nature in everyone else which I can learn to watch for and understand theoretically, but am myself without. Which is part of what it must have been like to be gay in the era when no one admitted to it. It's this quality of—having to carry oneself separately…?—that I think I sense, and feel allied to: the quality of being always, a little, a foreigner, and other people not knowing it.

2. About the general going-downhill of the world. I agree: no cause for optimism. But—I always think of Philip Pullman, talking about God, or rather His nonexistence: 'I think we should try to live as if.' I don't mean that this is anything you haven't thought of on your own, but there is an exquisitely resigned canny dignity about that one sentence, enough to give one strength. (Like Auden: Wear your tribulation like a rose.) I think about it all the time.

3. Christmas. This is sort of what put me over the edge of thinking 'I have to make some sort of contact with this person', because I feel exactly the same about it except through great good fortune I was entirely alone on Christmas this year and unrepentantly enjoyed it. Except, also, I kept trying to think of some sort of useful practical advice to give and can't come up with any. I just wanted to say (as I see someone else already has) that there is nothing objectionable in not having some great emotional swell of familial-holiday preciousness. I suspect that an awful lot of people who do get mistily carried away in that fashion are feigning anyway.
Oh, and three-and-a-half: all your Christmas baking looked fantastic. I really enjoyed those posts.

(OK, proofreading and good grief, what a lot of nattering. You are obviously under no obligation to return this fit I have had. Still—if nothing else I wanted to note that you have a reader you might not have been aware of, whose thoughts sometimes run in the same directions as your own.)
solitary_summer
Dec. 29th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
Abruptnes is not a problem! :)

but more a particular sort of outsiderness, which was the result—especially as so many of the authors I am thinking of predate our licentious and open modern era—of having a different underlying structure of emotions than everyone else.

After rereading a few Clive Barker novels back to back, all of which have some sort of strong 'know thyself' leitmotif I've formed the vague theory that besides what you said it might be about identity and self-definition, which is maybe a question that comes up more often for queer people than for those who easily and without much thought slip into gender-roles...

It's the same underlying lack. This possibly sounds insulting. I don't mean it to. I mean that I feel I am not entirely part of society, often, that there is some element or elements of human nature in everyone else which I can learn to watch for and understand theoretically, but am myself without.

I very much agree. Apparently there are plenty of asexual people who at least claim to have no problem with this, but I increasingly realise that I'm missing something that is crucial to most other people, which leads to all kinds of awkward misunderstandings, because I simply misread situations.

I suspect that an awful lot of people who do get mistily carried away in that fashion are feigning anyway.

I wonder. On the one hand one always reads about domestic violence escalating around Christmas, so obviously there is some problem there, but on lj I always find myself surrounded by Christmas posts, Christmas wishes, Christmas fic exchanges and lots of enthusiastic people and feel a bit... alone and somehow deficient with my complete lack of emotion.

Oh, and three-and-a-half: all your Christmas baking looked fantastic. I really enjoyed those posts.

I'm generally not much of a cook, so these were an exception, but I'm glad you enjoyed them! :)
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