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Ups and downs and, god, aren't you supposed to figure out life at one point? Most of the time it feels I'm constantly losing certainties, instead of gaining them.

On the side of unambiguously good things, I spent the April 13-15th weekend in Salzburg to see Diana Arbenina/Nochnye Snaypery in Munich on Sunday (14th), which... I wish I had the adequate words, but I really don't. If you include all the train rides it was probably the most expensive concert ticket of my life, but so very much worth it. Next time they're playing in Germany I'll definitely try to take a few days off and go to more than one show to maybe avoid this sense of everything being over too quickly to even really remember. She has this intensity and passion, it's just stunning. So brilliant. (And how ironic/weird/indicative of whatever issues is it that I had to pass 40 and learn Russian to find a female singer I can genuinely admire and connect to? Also, celebrity crush on, kind of, in a confusingly undefined, not-really-but-vaguely? sexual way.)

[In case anyone is interested, so far I've found pictures here (I'm not so fond of the - IMO - overuse of photoshop/sepia, but the photos are expressive and clicking through the gallery gives a very good impression of the show.), here (From the angle that must be the photographer that stood right in front of me.) and here, but sadly only one video has surfaced so far, although there certainly was no lack of people filming...]

On Monday I slept in & after breakfast biked to Salzburg and took my usual walk around the Nonnberg (gorgeous, warm, sunny day), before taking the train back home in the evening. The whole weekend was... Wonderful. Lovely. It felt like I suddenly could breathe again, feel again, that all those unimportant but stifling things were at least an arm's length away. And at one point I had what at that time felt like a moment of perfect clarity/revelation where I suddenly thought that life wasn't looking so bleak because I was going through my usual post-Christmas/too-long-winter/whatever-excuse-it-is-this-time depressive phase, but that I was depressed because my life was making me profoundly unhappy.

So.

Except then you return home, and whichever way you turn it, there is nothing you can really change at the moment (or at least feel you can't), and you fall back into the usual pattern & routine, feeling useless, depressed and bored stupid at work, Russian, Tai Chi, bookkeeping class (still soul-sucking), translation, homework for Russian, homework for bookkeeping, too much coffee, too many late nights, constantly tired, go on the occasional hiking tour and feel guilty for not being at home doing all the things that need doing, spring exploding around you and you can't really take it in and enjoy it because your brain is firmly back in this hamster's wheel, sit at home and do whatever needs doing and feel guilty for not being more active, for being fat and disgusting and unfit, and you muddle through, day to day, occasionally rewatch for meta-writing purposes if you can find the time, but even that feels tired and stale (I'm so beyond ready for a new fandom, but after having put so much thought and work into this already I don't want to toss it out now), and already after a couple of days the clarity, the determination, all the feeling, is slowly seeping away and you watch videos on YouTube, trying to cling to the moment of inspiration, but it's impossible to hold on to it, and three weeks pass, how did that happen, and...

... and nothing. Nothing.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
solitary_summer
May. 6th, 2013 11:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)

Re. certainties... This isn't really a problem when it comes to looking at the world generally speaking, but at past 40 I'd really like to be a bit more certain about myself and my place in life, feel a little less lost and confused, rather than more so... :sigh:

The problem with book keeping is that if I'm quitting now, that would essentially mean throwing 770 € out of the window, whereas if I stick with the class until July I'm getting half of the money back and will have something to put into my CV, so for practicality's sake I'm mostly resigned myself to another three months. I'll defintly have to do something about my current schedule & sleep pattern, though...

You're the second person already to recommend SG Universe, so I'll definitely give it a try!
(Deleted comment)
solitary_summer
May. 7th, 2013 10:51 pm (UTC)
Meditation time it is, I guess. :)

That's part of the problem, really -- right now I'm trying to make all these decisions purely with my head because I don't really trust my feelings in this respect any longer and I keep telling myself that for once in my life I need to be realistic... But in the end it isn't really helpful at all, because I can't really motivate myself like that. And it scares me that I don't seem to have any dreams left at all...
(Deleted comment)
elisi
May. 12th, 2013 07:50 pm (UTC)
I've had this post open in a tab ever since I first saw it, and have yet to think of anything intelligent to say. I wish I knew something clever to say, or some way forward, but the only thing that really came to mind was this post, which I don't know whether will help at all.

Mind you, I know that feeling of life just vanishing far too well. I'd say stick with the book keeping (if nothing else, then for the money and for making it look good on your CV), and try to look at everything again once you've finished?
solitary_summer
May. 14th, 2013 05:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you, and thank you for the link. I seriously don't expect anyone else to resolve my problems when even I can't think of anything intelligent to tell myself... Actually, I'm sorry for whining so publicly.

I'm already pretty much resolved to stick with the book keeping until summer and take the exam, because at least that way I won't hate myself for giving up too easily. What is so frustrating about this is that for once in my life I thought I was doing the sensible, reasonable thing, not to mention that I feel as if I'm completely hysterically overreacting, because this is something people learn all the time without turning it into this kind of drama...
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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