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For all my whining, on my better days at last, when I really think about it, I have surprisingly few regrets.
The old question - if you had a chance to do it all over again, what would you do differently - I wouldn't really know how to answer. It's not as if the choices I made were brilliant (they mostly weren't), but they made me who I am, and somehow I can't regret that. If I had thought more along the lines of effective career planning, e.g., how many other things would I have lost, because I wouldn't have had the time? Literature, art... True, maybe I wouldn't have felt the loss, but as it is, being who I am, I'm not sure I'd like this possible me.

Sometimes I can believe that when I come out of this, it will be as a stronger person, secure in myself. Or maybe that's a momentary delusion and wishful thinking; maybe our lives aren't linear in that sense. Maybe we never learn.

And maybe either thought bears a touch of my mother's practical defeatism.

Is that egocentric? Wallowing in my passivity? Making a virtue out of necessity? Or maybe the only way not to go insane pondering an endless sequence of might have beens?

I don't know how this adds up with the rest of my personality, either


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Apr. 18th, 2004 10:33 am (UTC)
We never learn, I believe that. In the sense that we are never finished learning, we can never lean back and think ok, that's it, I'm the person I was supposed to be or not, but I'm done. We're never done. It tires me just to think of it.

And I don't believe in our lives being linear either. Not even time is linear, not the way we preceive it, or else there would be no memories, no sense of future.

But I don't have the slightest idea what that means, if it means we have to live our lives in any specific way. Some days I want nothing more than certainty, and on other days I think, wouldn't that (certainty) be terribly boring? To know for sure that what you're doing is right?
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


solitary summer

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