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Sep. 23rd, 2004

A little (or perhaps not so little?) thing that has bugged me for some time...

What with the recent change, shift of perspective, whatever you want to call it, in my life and the resulting more positive attitude towards myself & my surroundings, I thought I might join _thankyou_ - it seemed like a good idea, trying to become more aware of the good things in life.

I still haven't posted there yet.

Certainly there are things and people, experiences I appreciate, but it is impossible somehow for me to identify the emotion as gratitude. Love, appreciation, enjoyment; but not gratitude. Something within me balks...., I'm not sure why. It's not that I feel entitled to whatever positive things are/happen in my life, that I believe I deserved better, or take anything for granted (or do I?); it's more like... life is what it is, and I'm not sure whether gratitude makes any difference... No, probably not quite true, because I have always believed and still do so, that a positive, open personality/outlook on life is important and can make a difference.

Or perhaps gratitude would imply that I owe something, and I resent being indebted, because it would infringe my freedom, would bind me tighter to life, or to specific people, than I care to? Is it so important for me to have the questionable security of being able to get up and leave at any time? I'm I so shit-scared of the depth of my own feelings that I have to keep everyone and everything at an arm's length? Is this a more recent thing, or have I always been like that?

It would, of course, perfectly explain my inability to form any kind of relationship...

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with the strange, isolated & probably rather scary place that is my mind...


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 24th, 2004 06:05 am (UTC)
Maybe it's because you feel that if you feel grateful, there should be someone/thing you are greatful to. There are normally at least two individuals involved, and I, for my part, have long felt uncomfortable with the thought of just being thankful, because of the "divinity"-implication. I automatically concluded it must be God I was grateful to, and since I didn't belive in God...

Do I believe in God now? Sheesh, you don't want to hear this rant, and I can't write it so early in the morning. Let's just say, I can find something outside myself to be tahnkful to. Good things happen that I have not made happen, and if I acknowledge them with a smile and a feeling that I identify as gratitude (could maybe also be humility), I believe that I contribute some positive energy to whatever's out there, and that's not bad.

But that's just me. Don't feel any pressure. You can just stay around and watch, or leave altogether if you feel uncomfortable. or just post nice things that you enjoy (which is what we do there, basically), without stating specifically that you are thankful. As in "I am happy that tomatoes" exist, instead of "I am thankful for tomatoes".

And I *do* believe it makes a difference. Am becoming spiritual here? Huch!
Sep. 24th, 2004 06:15 pm (UTC)
That might be part of it, flashbacks of the school catholic. Lieber Gott wir danken dir für wasauchimmer... And the aspect about catholicism I resent the most is the patriarchal one, always being cast in the role of a child.

Though I still suspect there may a deeper reason, a more fundamental flaw within me. *sigh*

Actually I would like to hear that rant, if ever you feel inclined to write it....

And spiritual is good, IMHO.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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