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Jan. 9th, 2005

So, yesterday.

A.'s (sister's boyfriend) birthday party - actually his and his older brother's, an extended family affair complete with parents, grandparents, my parents, a lot of children and any number of friends and acquaintances. And me, knowing no one there. I knew I'd hate it but it seemed rude to refuse outright with no good reason, but maybe in hindsight that'd have been the better choice.

Went there, already cranky and stressed out after work - I'm still trying to get over the post-Christmas depression - and in no mood whatsoever to face a hundred strange people. Felt awful from the start, drank two glasses of wine too fast on an empty stomach in the hope that it might help, which it didn't, was struck with such an overwhelming sense of loneliness and not-belonging... all those couples and families and children... It's not jealousy, it's not about wanting that, but suddenly everything I am, all the struggle to accept myself, my life, to make some sense out of it, the tiny steps towards a kind of balance and contentment, even happiness, all this suddenly seemed insignificant, reduced to nothing at all. Worthless. When on top of everything else my father started to make a fuss about nothing whatsoever I grabbed my coat and ran out, probably offended a lot of people, but just so glad to get away...

Needing to be somewhere safe, to regain control.

On the verge of tears all the way home.

I still feel fragile and shaken and worse than I've felt in a long time.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 9th, 2005 11:32 am (UTC)
I wish there were words to make you feel better... I can just say that I understand. Suddenly I have the feeling, the very real feeling, that I can't do it anymore. To fight and struggle every day, try to smile, try to be positive, it just seems so ridiculous, for what, for what? It's not like it ever changes anything, it's not as if one fine day I could lean back and say, ok, I did my share, I bit my way through, and now I won't have to fight ever again, from now on I can be sure that everything will be all right. It starts anew every day, every hour...

Other days, other moments, I can see it all, I am sure that it does make sense, that even if I don't see immediate repercussions, my good thoughts will have a weight.

We don't realize how heavily all our lives are built on faith, faith on anything: science, other people, some type of God... Even for the most convinced materialist, there comes a point where he/she just has to *believe*, because there's no way he/she can revise and prove all the equations, all the facts. The struggle not to lose that faith is continuous. Somehow, our minds are built to believe (because we couldn't cope with this Universe, that must seem infinite to us, if we didn't take some of it as a given), and at the same time to question everything (because that is how we move forward). Hence: constant struggle, frustration, doubt.

Gah. I can't write, can't explain what I mean, and shouldn't be spamming your journal with my ramblings. What I really meant was *hugs*, and *hopes you feel better soon*
Jan. 9th, 2005 01:15 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Firstly, you're *not* *ever* spamming, and you *did* help me. I have this tendency to, sort of, throw out the baby with the bathwater, and you help me to put things back into perspective, keep reminding me that it's a constant struggle, that things are sometimes bad, but that they'll also be better and if it looks kind of bleak for the moment that isn't a reason to give up altogether.

You're changing a lot, so hold on to the good moments. Not for me, or anyone else, but for yourself.

Secondly... It's stupid bordering on ridiculous for *me* to offer *you* help, I'm probably the person least suited to, but if you ever need someone to talk to, ramble at, rant at, whatever...

Jan. 10th, 2005 09:20 am (UTC)
You're changing a lot

I am, am I? Hmmm *ponders*

And let me get this clear once and for all: your friendship (I hope I might call it that by now, even if it's "just" virtual and online and stuff) does help me. It makes me feel important and all fuzzy inside to think I have a friend like you, with whom I can talk about "things".

Gah. Schmalz Schmalz.
Jan. 10th, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)
*guilty smile* Okay. Right. Will stop with the embarrassing displays of insecurity. Or try to. Feel free to hit me over the head with something hard, next time. ;)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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