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Jan. 12th, 2005

It occurred to me that I've probably seen more sunrises in the last year than during the whole rest of my life...

I've never been a morning-person, but I've come to love them.

There's one thing that struck me after this weekend's emotional drama: When (for reasons that still are not clear to me at all) I'd come out of the bout of depression last year, apparently I'd assumed I'd 'get over' it, 'get out of' it eventually, and things would miraculously be fine again. I realise now it'll probably never be gone entirely, because if nothing else the memory is there, making it real, making it a possible pattern of behaviour to turn to. A way of escape, even. Is this what dealing with alcoholism, or any other addiction feels like, knowing that there's a dark, destructive side within yourself, that you'll just have to live with? Granted, I'm perhaps having a little more leeway here, it's not so much about fighting a physical addiction, rather trying to find out what triggers it, and if possible change my life accordingly, but still... And if I can't do that, I'll have to remind myself that I needn't always go to extremes: I may have a bad day, or week, but that doesn't mean my entire life is worthless. I can still enjoy sunrises. Proportion, perspective. I'll have to accept that part of myself, and learn to deal with it, because it's unlikely I'll ever be rid of it entirely.

I've also been thinking about my extreme need for security in every respect (emotionally, but also materially) and how it fucks up influences my life, but that's enough material for another entry I haven't the time to write now... horse duty beckons..


solitary summer

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