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Recently I seem to be fluctuating between two moods - one, more or less content, vaguely apathetic, vaguely calm, can at best transform itself into a state of peacefulness both with myself and the world. It's not as blandly negative, or as passive as it may sound; it doesn't feel like suppression or denial; at least most of the time it doesn't.

The other... a bundle of conflicting violent emotions, the frustration, rage, dreams, ambitions, knowledge of failure, regrets; the want, the need, the daring to want; the can't-bear-it. It's overwhelming, and somehow it seems when I allow/invite any kind of deeper emotion, even the memory of one, I throw open a door for all the others to rush in, too.

Who am I, either, both? Going insane?

Let go and change into something or someone different, or attempt finding a balance combining both sides?

I want the peace, the calm. I need it. I can't live like this, with an unfocused anger I can ultimately turn only against myself because I know I'm the only one to blame, and yet unable and/or too scared to change anything.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 29th, 2005 08:22 am (UTC)
I wish I had enlightening advice at hand. As it is, all I know is that, when I feel like that: angry, conflicted, guilty, unable to move and hating myself for it, it is usually a signal that something's going to happen. My mind is working on something and sooner or later there's going to be an "aha!"-experience. Morning pages give me tips as to what to do about it... maybe morning runs could do the same for you?
Apr. 29th, 2005 07:07 pm (UTC)
::sigh:: I *need* something to happen, that's for sure. No idea if it will, though... Or if I can make it happen.

Maybe I should try writing... running, if anything, clears my mind, it's mostly just moving, I notice birds, squirrels, try not to step on snails, that kind of stuff, rarely anything deeper. I *did* think about your John/Delenn/Anna story once, but that was pretty much an exception :) .
Apr. 30th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
I feel honored... Gah, I really should finish that, shouldn't I?

Anyway, a clear mind is always good, there's room in a clear mind.
Apr. 30th, 2005 07:44 pm (UTC)
Not if you don't feel like it... what you said before, that it's enough to have the story in one's head - I know the feeling.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


solitary summer

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