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Well, thank god for not-so-crappy tv shows, because apparently somewhere in the process of analysing a character you may actually get some insight into yourself. Then again, could be this is projecting my own issues onto the character in question, but as far as the results are concerned it doesn't make any difference...

I've come to the conclusion that what I've been doing for some time now (with barely any exception at all) is keep people at a distance, emotionally as well as physically, making it impossible for them to hurt me, to reject me; to have power over me in any that matters.

I can keep up a level of good-will towards the universe in general, but as far as individual people are concerned... either they just don't matter very much, or in the rare case when it seems they may begin to do, at one point some kind of defense mechanism kicks in that makes me pull away, even break off contact entirely.

I'm guessing the mostly-asexual thing is also part of this problem.

So of course I don't, can't, really appreciate affection (love?) either, because I can never entirely believe it's real, and even while I occasionally whine about being lonely, most of the time I - probably unconsciously, at this point - choose safety over the risk of emotions.

When did this happen?

More importantly, how do you even begin to try to change something like that? How do you consciously try to let yourself get close to anyone again, maybe in the end let yourself love anyone? Seven easy steps, or twelve, or whatever it is?

So, so fucked up.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 2nd, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
Well, you know how they say that recognizing the problem is already half of the solution... Keeping up the good-will against the Universe is a big achievement already. Maybe you just haven't found out what kind of closeness, what kind of company it is that you want/need. Maybe what we read in books or see in movies just isn't the right thing for you.


May. 2nd, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
Nah, not lame. It's not like I expect you or anyone to come up with a foolproof solution... wait and see and try to figure things out, if possible, I guess. Not much else I can do...

Maybe you're right, maybe I still try too much to conform to some image...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


solitary summer

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