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There are the odd days when I like work, especially when there's a lot to do and things actually get accomplished. Most days I'm pretty okay with it. And there are those days, like today, when I hate it with a passion born out of frustration and restlessness I can't even begin to describe. When I think another moment trapped in there will drive me crazy. When M.'s mannerisms - the rubber gloves she wears for dusting, for god's sake - irritate me out of all proportion.

It passes, after a while.

The really frustrating part is the aimlessness of my anger. I don't know what I'd change. I don't even know what I want, except to be free of this. I don't have the energy to think beyond the next evening when I can finally go home, the next week-end. I'm not strong enough to dream even, much less make these dreams come true. And without anything to drive me, to sufficiently motivate me, what's the point? If I'm being realistic I'm not likely to exchange this job for a better or more satisfying one. Trade one book-shop for another, more likely. At least here I get along with my co-workers, there's no mobbing or back-stabbing, nothing to give me ulcers, after five years I know many of the customers and they know me, I'm feeling half-way competent and in charge...

I wish I knew at least whether the anger or the resignation is the healthier state of mind.



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 10th, 2005 07:44 pm (UTC)
I'd choose anger over resignation any day. But that's just me. Anger usually makes me do *something*, even if it's just take a walk where I get a new idea or conconct a comforting thought, anything to stop feeling this way. Resignation is... the "Nothing" in The Neverending Story comes to mind. It's just this gray fog that swallow's you and once you're in it, nothing matters anymore, ever.

God, sorry, I swear this was originally meant as a cheering comment. Gah. Guess I'm feeling that way now, wishing I could be angry instead of resigned. Thus I go, spamming your comments with my depressed ramblings.
Oct. 11th, 2005 06:34 am (UTC)
I'd choose anger over resignation any day.

I would have, too, if you asked me that as an abstract question. As it is... the resignation/acceptance at least allows me some peace - probably questionable peace, but a good part of the time it actually kind of works. The anger... I'm scared mostly, I guess. I don't know how to live with that, with myself then, wanting to hit things, hating my life, hating myself for not doing anything with it, and depression lurking around the corner...

I wish I could *use* the anger somehow, turn it into energy to change my life, It's the other way round, really, it's when I do something that actually means something to me, even if it's only shooting crappy photos, when the helpless anger at being stuck in this crappy-but-not-crappy-enough job overwhelms me...

Meh. I suck..

Oct. 11th, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
Ah yes indeed, sometimes anger doesn't feel as good as it sounds. Especially if there's nothing and no one to hit...
Oct. 11th, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
some things to consider (which may or may not be true)

1: anger is a sign that you want something to change -- if you're angry at someone, usually their behavior is what you want to change. if you're angry at inanimate objects it's usually your behavior with the object that you want to change. which is why someone will drop something and then get mad at the thing they've dropped.

2: depression is anger that can't get expressed and so it turns inward, becomes self-hatred.

The resignation is good if it's real peace, but if it's just another word for depression, better to be angry and search hard and long for the source -- what do you want to have change? -- than to let the depression swallow you.
Oct. 12th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
I know I want to change the job situation, the problem is that I'm totally at a loss how to go about it, what I could do instead.

Peace or depression... I wish I knew. sometimes it feels like the one, sometimes like the other.
Oct. 18th, 2005 05:02 pm (UTC)
I know from my own experience that it's really hard to change the job situation while depressed -- for a while it was a very vicious circle for me, because my job made me depressed but I was too depressed to change anything!

I don't really know a lot about your background. How did you end up in the job you have now? What about it is depressing to you? Is it the work itself that you dislike, or the environment?

What is it that you do enjoy doing? I made as long of a list as I could of everything that I liked to do, even when it was things that nobody would ever pay me for, like 'sleep' and 'drink coffee'.

These are just some thoughts...
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


solitary summer

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