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A strange day at work, at least for the first few hours. After three weeks being very much myself (for lack of a better word; not that it was always all that pleasant, because the Salzburg part of my holiday wasn't really; reduced to myself, maybe) or at least by myself, I felt weirdly raw and vulnerable, too open; it took a while to get back into the meaningless, superficial, polite, exchanges with customers. Almost surreal, at a loss at what I was actually supposed to say or do there and unsure how I'd be able to stand it for a whole day; thank god it was at least slow & quiet until the later afternoon, by which time I'd at least partly recovered my book selling persona. And of course it's natural and necessary to adapt again, but at the same time I resented having to do it, it felt like I was losing, hiding, burying a part of myself before I'd only been on the verge of finding, slipping away before I'd really recognised it. Probably post-holiday delusions. Sigh.

I'm still feeling strangely not-quite depressed; a bit like a blank sheet. A sad blank sheet.

The problem is, and I've come to recognise the feeling from after always too short weekends, the more I feel like myself, the more I do things that actually are important to me, the less bearable the dull, idiot routine becomes. During my early years there I'd been so depressed that it hadn't mattered and I appreciated that the job at least gave my life some structure, forced me to get out of bed, etc., but it isn't enough any longer. I want something more, something else, but since I'm incapable of actually defining it, it's a bit pointless to want at all...

And what worries me is that it appears that the stomach thing is at least partly psychosomatic... I barely had problems in Spain, ate pretty much everything put in front of me, even drank wine, coffee, etc., and the only thing that really disagreed with me was the very delicious paella. Back to my life & hello! slightly upset stomach & low-key nausea. I don't know what do do about that; I don't see a possibility for change.




solitary summer

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January 2016


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