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I really don't like Sundays. At some point after noon I slip into depression because Monday is looming and overshadowing the remaining free time, and once again I still haven't even done my Spanish homework, much less studied vocabulary or grammar, and, wow, does this recall school years in ways of profoundly unpleasant déjà vu. I don't know when my life became so (comparatively, mind) stressful. A year ago my time was divided between work and free time spent mostly clicking my way around the internet, reading, watching DVDs etc. Now there's a niece I'm trying to see at least every two weeks because I want to build a relationship there from the start, Spanish, belly dancing... I know this sounds ridiculous considering I have no family and barely any social life, but I never seem to have enough time for myself.

And a lot of the remaining time is increasingly taken up by photography. Wednesday I got up at five to be at the Zentralfriedhof at seven and took some (er, a lot) sunrise photos; freezing cold (almost literally), but stunningly beautiful and very much worth it, with or without camera. I never seem to have the energy for my morning runs any more, I've been missing the sunrises... I do enjoy this a lot. When I'm not having my attacks of self-doubt about how I'm talentless, worthless and my photographs generally suck, that is. But mostly, I really enjoy it. I'm more enthusiastic than I've been about anything for a long while, more certain, more determined to learn. Except when it's Sunday evening and I'm asking myself, what's the point, exactly? Is there even a point in wanting to improve? It's not as if this is going anywhere in other-than-a-hobby ways. This should be, must be enough, but sometimes just isn't.

Yesterday I ventured on a highly necessary shopping trip and bought a few shirts and two pairs of trousers, which at least convinced me that I haven't (yet) gained too much weight again, even when I'm finally eating more normally again. Although 'normally' perhaps isn't the best choice of words, because I seem to be incapable of doing that. There's always guilt, and it shocked me a bit that part of me had a lot of respect for this anorectic/bulimic girl whose autobiography I read at work, not so much for managing to survive it (that, too, but on an intellectual level), but - on a very visceral level - for beating her body into submission for such a long time. There's no reason to worry; I don't have the determination or self-discipline to literally starve myself - didn't have it at 16, 17, 18, 19 (when I would go a day, or even two, without eating anything, so that I could allow myself to eat whatever I wanted on the third day) and most certainly won't have it at 35, after finally getting in the habit of eating an actual breakfast over the last year, and missing it when I don't. I know it's a sick train of thoughts. But still. But still. I want to be able to ignore food. I want to be able to forget about eating. I want to be able not to want to eat. Just enough to maintain my body on a physical level; I don't want it to affect me psychologically.

I'm just not very happy with my body and myself at the moment. There have been times when I 've been, if not looking, than at least wishing for a relationship. Right now I find the mere thought repulsive.

un_crayon_rouge did a tarot reading for me in Madrid that generally indicated a period of change, which made a lot of sense to me at the time. And I think there is change, at least to some extent, but I'm not sure where it's going (yet?), and I'm rather lost. In transition.

Also, on a less whiny note,

Certainly it'd have been nice to have more indication of this in the text itself. Or a character who's gay and alive by the end of the series, and/or with a partner without evil overlord aspirations. And I'm pretty sure commercial considerations did at least play a part in not coming out, pun intended, with this earlier - I'm betting even now there are people at WB who are not pleased at all, because while part of fandom might be splitting hairs about whether information given by the author in an interview is canon or not, for the average reader this is now fact. OTOH, reading some of the disgusting comments (even from within fandom) about how this makes his relationship with Harry somehow creepy, one could excuse her for wanting people to read the story for what it is first, instead of having it overshadowed by a discussion about sexual orientation and Rita Skeeter-esque accusations.

The problem is, the more popular the books became, the more this turned into a situation where she couldn't win no matter what. If she'd slipped in a random minor character, which she probably could have done without too much fuss, there'd have been (not unjustified) outcries against a token gay character among an otherwise straight cast.

And let's look at fandom's usual suspects the other 'candidates' for a moment, leaving out the Death Eaters for obvious reasons.
Sirius - years in Azkaban, hunted escaped prisoner, not exactly the most mentally stable person, appears for three books, then dies as a result of his own and Harry's recklessness?
Remus, more balanced personality, but again, angsty and tortured, another social outcast; also dead in the end?
Draco, who may be beloved by fandom, but not so much by JKR? Rather one-dimensional and thoroughly unpleasant character well into book 6, gets only slightly better then?
Snape (if his love for Lily hadn't been his driving fore throughout; since he's such a frequently slashed character - a, despite his bravery and ultimate heroism, deeply flawed and rather unpleasant person?

For every squeeing fangirl there'd be someone legitimately complaining that none of them is exactly a positive role model either.

Harry (wasn't going to happen, despite living in a closet for years), Ron (the sidekick with plenty of inferiority complexes to begin with? see above), Hermione (not going to happen, either), Ginny (ditto), Neville (angsty past that could already have been read as a metaphor, not very apt at magic, but healing? can we say stereotype?) and we're down to the relatively minor characters and potential tokenism. What I don't quite understand, personally, is why, tokenism or not, it was impossible to slip in one or two minor gay characters, when she could and did create the one major character who's so archetypal that no one would have blinked if he had no sexuality whatsoever, as gay, but on the whole I'm still more pleased than not, because Dumbledore at least is one of the good people, even if DH showed him to be more complex and less perfect the earlier books, a thoroughly positive character, intelligent, wise, a hero several times over. A character JKR likes. And it's as controversial as she could get before making Harry himself gay.

She could have done worse, IMO. And she could have lied and spared herself the uproar and hostility she's getting now, even from within fandom.

And I really must grab DH back from my mother and re-read it now. :)


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 23rd, 2007 08:03 am (UTC)
I have some random comments:

-I missed you. Reading this post made me happy.

-The picture is stunning.

-I miss spending time with you. I bet sunday evenings would be so much better, even if we did the same things we do when we're alone.

-Btw, I hate sundays for the exact same reason.

- Dumbledore WHAT??
Oct. 23rd, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC)
In no particular order, thanks; I miss you, too; & it's really kind of annoying that we can't meet for coffee or DVD watching without major plans & plane tickets.

Dumbledore WHAT??

(In case you haven't read it any/everywhere else since.) See, this is what happens when you go to Paris! *g* Yes, seriously. The highlight of my weekend.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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