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Mar. 24th, 2008

I remember saying once to someone that if humanity invested the same amount of time, money, energy and creativity in solving the really important global problems that right now goes into developing the next clever electronic gadget, we'd already have world peace and all that.

On the same note, if I used all the time spent watching tv shows, analysing fictional characters & their relationships and writing long-winded livejournal posts about that getting a better hold on my own life? Could I have been... well, probably not happily married with 2.1 kids, a dog & picket fence, but somewhat less pathetically & perpetually single? Fitter, happier, more productive?

I've embarked on the crazy project of tagging my whole livejournal, all five years of it (stuck somewhere mid-2006 at the moment), because it's been too often recently that I've been trying to find an entry without even an idea where (or which year) to start looking, and while I've only been browsing, not really rereading I was occasionally faintly embarrassed by all the really long and rambly fanish stuff I've written over the years, and the emotional investment that went into it. It's not that I'd have needed to go through years of entries to come to that realisation, a front page full of TW posts might have been a bit of a clue, but in all honesty, Torchwood makes me so happy at the moment that I can't even manage to come up with the slightest bit of pro forma guilt.

Still, though, when I come across what must amount to a couple of thousand words about Smallville, Lex and my frustration with the whole thing, I tend to inwardly cringe a bit. If it were done in a quest for fandom fame it would seem a bit more excusable, but this is just me, unobservedly puttering away in my quiet corner of livejournal, with my slightly pathetic life, caring all too much about fictional people. ::sigh::

I don't know if it makes it better or worse that I'm not so bad at it. Fragments went a bit further even than I dared to assume from with what little S1 material there was, but on the whole I was more right than not with that first Jack/Ianto post.

If reading fictional people is doable, even enjoyable, then why am I having so much trouble with real life relationships? Because no one is doing that initial simplification of turning chaotic life into more ordered fiction for me? Because observing is easier than participating? Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with people at all, and I've just retained some minimum skills interpreting texts and evidence from university.

Last week's appointment with the therapist was pretty much wasted time & money because I was simply too exhausted to come up with anything intelligent, insightful or productive, but there are a few things that I've realised recently.

When I'm balanced and happy I don't even particularly want a relationship, or think of having one, or looking for one. I'm content as I am then, with what I do and who I am.

It's when I'm depressed and unhappy that I want someone to hold me, to fix things for me, to give my life meaning; it's not about appreciating another human being, it's about need and validation; my life is worthless if no one loves me.

The irony of course is, that when I'm in the latter state of mind I can't even think of dealing with the prospect of dating &c., because obviously I'm worthless and no one will want me anyway. (During my period of depression I've let people I cared about (in at least one case, cared quite a bit) slip from my life because I was convinced that I had nothing to offer to them, that I was boring, uninteresting, unworthy. And I'm not sure how much of that has really changed.) And when I'm in a happy state of mind and could actually face the whole process, it just doesn't seem worth the time and bother because nothing will come of it anyway.

Which brings me to the next point:

I can't picture myself in a relationship, I can't even imagine anyone loving me, wanting to be with me. Being attracted, possibly; I'm not all that ugly, belly-dancing has done good things for my body, and generally speaking men don't have the highest standards. But that that doesn't mean anything, not to me. I couldn't care less if someone just looks at me and finds me moderately attractive. That's not me, at least not an important part of me.

Maybe if I didn't meet R. in twenty minutes for a movie date I'd be able to come up with an intelligent conclusion to all this, I don't know. As it is, I'm rushing and will probably be back with the next TW post soon.

::slight ironic smile::


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 24th, 2008 01:43 pm (UTC)
If reading fictional people is doable, even enjoyable, then why am I having so much trouble with real life relationships? Because no one is doing that initial simplification of turning chaotic life into more ordered fiction for me?

Fictional people are predictable and simple. All that exists of them is what is on the screen/pages, and anything else comes out of our own imaginations. Anything written into the script that surprises us is relatively easy to adjust to, because we just have to change our imaginations a bit in order to justify or understand it.

Real people and real relationships are far more complex. They are not under the control of our imagination. So I am not surprised anyone would find it easy to analyze a script and embellish it with imagination by adding feelings and intentions, yet struggle with real-life relationships.

I can't imagine anyone loving and wanting to be with me, either.
Mar. 25th, 2008 07:33 am (UTC)
Hm... yes and no, IMO. You're certainly right, it's easier, safer, with a distance and a lack of consequence; but I'm not so sure sure the basic principle is all that different. I've always suspected that the people who are incapable of reading a book or any kind of text for what it is (because IMO analysis should keep the embellishing at a minimum; of course you need to be aware of your own preconceptions and what you're bringing into the reading, but the focus should be on the text and the author), instead of reading things into it are also those who are incapable of seeing another human being for what they are instead of projecting their wishes and seeing what they want to see. And if an author is any good, I don't think that fictional people are necessarily more predictable and simple than real people, who are often only all too predictable.
Mar. 24th, 2008 01:44 pm (UTC)
I miss feeling enthusiastic about movies and tv shows. I look at my rows and rows of DVDs (my god, the *money* I've spent!) and wonder when I'm ever going to watch them again. I simply don't have any more long evenings and weekends to spend rewatching the complete Angel or Star Trek Voyager or whatever. And I miss it. Yes, being in a relationship is fantastic and grown-up and my boyfriend is great, but before that, everything was so much more - simpler. I was on my own, to despise myself sometimes, but also to feel great about myself. After so much time being alone (and I really count the time with JG as "alone"-time, too), it's hard to adjust to really being two. Where will "we" eat today? Do "we" want to go for a walk? What movie are "we" going to watch?

All of which has very little to do with your post, I realize. It's just that I was thinking of how much I'm enjoying your Torchwood posts, and the DVD release, and then I was thinking "when the hell am I ever going to find the time to watch this?"

What I need, I think, is for someone to tell me to stop complaining and just get on with my life, which is pretty fabulous the way it is. Listening to me, one would think that having a wonderful boyfriend, a cute apartment, and an interesting job was the definition of horror!
Mar. 25th, 2008 07:45 am (UTC)
I guess that is part of why I can't see myself in a relationship, that I can't imagine all those changes and adjustments and things being not simple...

I could tell you to stop complaining and get on with your life, if that's what you want, but I think feeling this, and talking about it is okay - it's part of your life. And I know I should probably be the last person giving out relationship advice, but if you need alone time sometimes, tell him? Maybe it'll make you feel better and less stressed about the whole situation. My sister and her boyfriend do things separately; things changed a bit since the baby, but he still plays football, goes hunting, she's seeing her friends...

And TW is (leider, leider...) only 13 episodes anyway, I think you'll managed to squeeze it in... *g*
Mar. 25th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
It's not like we don't do things separately, he goes to karate, plays guitar, I meet my girlfriends, and I know I am totally free to say "I need an afternoon for myself". The problem is not him, it's me: it's ridiculous, but I'm simply too insecure to say it. I feel like I have to justify, give a thousand explanations, and afterwards I'm a panic and asking him a thousand times if he's *sure* he didn't mind, and it's not like I don't love him, because I do, blahdeeblahblahblah, until he (understandably) starts looking just a tiny bit bored, and then I really panic.

Who'd think I am so neurotic, right? I sound so *sane*...
Mar. 26th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
I think you kick yourself too much, and if I did not live in the wrong former imperial capital, I would have a go at dating you myself. Mind you, ten will give you one that you would be the one not interested in that case.
Mar. 27th, 2008 08:27 am (UTC)
Trust me, I'm not someone you want to date. I'm a bundle of issues, and that's no less than the truth, not putting myself down. But, thank you! :)
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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