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Three days, and already it's like it never happened. Tired and grumpy, and (co-worker) B. will probably be quitting soon, which is good for her, but not so good for me since she is actually someone I like and enjoy working with, and in all probability the replacement will be some bubbly 19-year-old with whom I'll find nothing whatsoever to talk about.

And it made me once again think that I should be looking for a different job, at least try to acquire some additional skills, but the problem is there is nothing I really want to do, have to do -- that one goal, that one grand vision you'd be willing to make sacrifices for, and I can't face the prospect of spending the greater part of my free time that I feel I desperately need for my life to be at least tolerable learning something that doesn't interest me either. I simply don't have the energy.

And so I whine about this year after year after year, with no solution in sight, and not being able to fully resign myself to the situation, either.

The problem is that I never really expected much from my life family/relationship wise. There was the vague expectation of getting married and having children when I grew up, but it was never really clear, and then of course the state of my parents' marriage didn't exactly encourage me to believe/trust in relationships. But what I always expected was to have a job that would be in some respect was meaningful, where I'd get some sort of recognition and fulfillment. I guess that's at least partly due to the fact that in the relationship with my parents achievement was always so very important; I don't remember much affection, but I remember praise when I brought home good grades. I'm still struggling with this, to the point where I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm falling short of my expectations that's bothering me so much, or that my father is embarrassed by how my life turned out.

And some days or weeks it's really okay, but sometimes it kills me that I'm frittering away my life in this boring job that offers neither a challenge, satisfaction, the possibility of advancement nor even good pay and whose only advantage is that it could be worse and doesn't take up any of my time and energy beyond the hours I spend there. In Russian class I watch all these people with their important (and presumably well-paid) bank jobs and computer jobs and whatnot struggling, and not that I don't study (but not all that much either) or that I don't make mistakes, but grasping the basic principle is really easy for me. I'm not saying I'm super brilliant, but I have a certain amount of intelligence, and I'm doing fuck nothing with it. I'm squandering my life, whatever talents I have, because I'm too scared to change, to scared to take a risk, too scared not to play it totally safe. Because I lose interest, because I just don't care enough about anything, including my life, because I simply can't get my shit together.

I don't mean to come off as entitled, as if I deserved anything different, because obviously I don't, but I know I could do (or at least could have done) things differently, except that apparently I can't.

And while age has never bothered me so far, the upcoming birthday makes me feel for the first time as if I'm running out of time fast. There is so much of my life that needs fixing, all the central elements, work, love, a relationship, are missing or faulty, and I don't know where to even start, it frightens and overwhelms me.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
May. 9th, 2008 10:54 pm (UTC)
I have sort-of considered trying to do something with photography, but I'm always intimidated by how little I know and how many good photographers there are out there, even if you're looking only on flickr... I keep fighting that cowardly voice in my head that insists, not good enough, not good enough...
(Deleted comment)
May. 10th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'll keep that in mind. :)

And as for the big publisher, I think you'll get there eventually.
May. 10th, 2008 09:59 am (UTC)
I blame tv ads. Really. They all contain sentences like "everybody has a DREAM", "what's your DREAM", words like "UNIQUE", "DIFFERENT" - and it doesn't matter if they want you to buy a car, deodorant, tampons or ice cream, what they are ultimately selling you is that you have to be UNIQUE, and what makes you UNIQUE is your DREAM, and what makes you alive and worthy as a person is, of course, making your DREAM come true. A person without a DREAM is just half a person, if at all.

What's so wrong with just wanting to live a good life, with a little friendship, a little love, a little art, a little silly entertainment, a little laughter, some work, what's so wrong with striving for comfort instead of ULTIMATE HAPPINESS, which doesn't happen anyway? When did not wanting to be the best at something, not wanting to stand out, become the worst sin?

Grrrr. This makes me angry.
May. 10th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
I don't blame tv as much as being brought up in a way that I still believe I'll be only loved (and worthy to be loved) if I achieve something. I don't want the ultimate happiness or to change the world, I just want to do a little better with what talents I have; I don't want to be too ashamed to go to a Klassentreffen. I've tried, I know I'm needlessly hurting myself, but I can't be content with how it is, my personality is just too extreme, I guess. Other people do have dreams and make them come true, why can't I?

Like I said, much of the time it's okay-ish, but what for other people usually is at the centre of their lives, either family or work, and I have neither, and sometimes I just don't feel I can go on simply on the strength of all the small things, books, fandom, photography, etc. It feels like, Oberflächenkosmetik, with all the central things missing.

May. 10th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
I don't find that either my work or my relationship is the center of my life. I care about both, and put a lot of thought and effort into both, but when it comes down to the naked truth, the center of my life is *me*: what makes *me* happy, what *I* need - which necessarily includes being *away* from work, *away* from my loved ones, and doing simple things that satisfy me on a deep level for reasons I have stopped to analyze: I find I just don't have the time or the energy to think about why I love it so much to watch certain movies or read certain books or do or eat certain things. It just makes me feel good, and if I don't do it I feel bad, so there.

Meaning, people who make it seem like family and/or work is the center of their lives, and those other things they do are pleasant but sozusagen unter "ferner liefen" - well, I'm not saying they are lying, but I suspect they are not very conscious about how it really works.
May. 11th, 2008 02:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you for giving me something to think about. I don't know why my minds can't stop insisting that the grass is greener everywhere else... *smacks self*
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


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