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Oct. 13th, 2009

From summer straight into winter. *sigh* Ten days ago temperatures were as high as 27 degrees, last Monday I was biking to my Russian lesson at 6 pm in short sleeves (which, I know, I know, isn't exactly normal for October...); yesterday I was freezing with a long sleeved shirt and jacket. Today the fleece jacket & light coat & gloves came out. 6 degrees. Gah.


Belly dancing class was good today, considering that three weeks ago I was in tears and wanted to quit. I'm blaming last semester's veil choreography, which was all steps & turns that made me dizzy & (admittedly very pretty) waving about of the veil, but barely any muscle work-out, once your arms got used to flinging the veil about above your head, so frankly I wasn't very motivated to practice, and did nothing at all over the summer. First lesson, it felt like my body was something completely alien that had nothing to do with me and that I had no control over, which may sound funny but was actually quite frightening. I've gained a bit of weight since spring what with all the stress and the chocolate that seemed the best remedy at the time, so I haven't feeling comfortable with myself anyway, and that didn't help at all. Especially since even at the best of time there's a certain... disconnect. I like doing it, discovered muscles I didn't even know I had and learned using them, and I do think learning choreographies is actually good for me because if forces me to work with my brain & body at the same time & co-ordinate them, but looking into the mirror, or especially watching the video from last year's show the first time... in a way that doesn't feel like me; it's not the image of myself I have in my head. That image wears DocMartens and learns Russian; is clever, but can't dance. The image in my head doesn't even have much of a gender or sex. At one point today I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, that actually looks kind of sexy. I don't look sexy in my head. I don't even really want to look sexy in my head. Which is a bit of a dilemma, and mostly I wonder if it isn't the images in my head that I should get rid of, or at least should stop letting myself be limited by them.


Dentist appointment yesterday, enough said. I think he might be starting to regret that he ever talked me into the braces. I always had a bit of a phobia, but I never used to lose control like that, complete freak-out, hyperventilating, tears, everything.


The Jack/Ianto post is still eating my brain, I don't even dare look at the word count any more. Which means I'm having periodic attacks of get-a-life, because, seriously, what the hell, woman. I'm not getting paid for this. If I put that much energy into writing fanfiction, I could at least pretend I'm practicing for my big novel, or something. This isn't even pseudo-academic anything; G. actually got a paper on Chakotay's tattoo published; can't I at least be interested in something like that? But this character & relationship analysis is a 120% pure & utter self-indulgence. And I highly doubt writing about Jack's issues will help me figuring out my own.



( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 13th, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC)
The weather. *sigh*

Yes, autumn this year isn't being very kind to me. It's been either ridiculously cloudy or raining nearly every day since the equinox. And it doesn't look like it's going to be much warmer than 6 degrees while we're in the mountains, either. With rain. I've been spoiled by the good weather of the last couple of autumns, which have allowed us to take nice hiking holidays. I have a feeling we're going to be stuck in our hotel room most of the time during this trip, though. :(

G. and Joe sound like they'd hit it off. Joe can ramble on about the most (I can't think of the word I need here. . .) arcane, yes, arcane points about Star Trek.
Oct. 14th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
G. studied anthropology and biology; I've proof-read a whole row of articles about every single Maori-related thing in Jules Verne's novels already, and apparently there also went a bit of Maori influence into Chakotay's tattoo... Maybe I'm just bitter and mean, but half of the time I'm reading his stuff and keep thinking, and the world really needs that?

Maybe that's a typical female thing, but I just tend to be more interested in patterns of human behaviour, psychology, what makes people tick; philosophical issues maybe...
Oct. 13th, 2009 10:29 pm (UTC)
I'm dying to read your Jack/Ianto analysis!

For reals! I need some more meta in my life (I need inspiration... I keep telling myself that I write Meta so that I can be a fic writer... but alas, analysis eats at my creativity... I need to finish Uni!).
Oct. 14th, 2009 06:32 pm (UTC)
I just hope it'll live up to your expectations! :) At this point I'm really not sure anymore whether it's good, bad or anywhere in between...
Oct. 14th, 2009 10:37 am (UTC)
Self-indulgence is underestimated. Also, I don't agree. I think even the fact that you put that much thought and energy into this says a lot about you, and I don't mean bad things. If this is what you need to do, and if it makes you feel good, that's what you should do, and that's that.
Oct. 14th, 2009 06:38 pm (UTC)
I'm doing this every couple of months, am I? *blush*

I think I'll print out your replies & stick them on the computer so that I'll remember the next time I feel compelled to write this kind of self-loathing entry.

The thing is, usually these things don't take up as much time. This is actual work, but it just wouldn't leave me alone... *sigh*
Oct. 15th, 2009 09:37 am (UTC)
The weather here is odd too - it keeps changing. One minute it's cold, the next warm(ish). It's impossible to know what to wear!

Anyway, am looking forward to your J/I meta very much. (The longer, the better in my opinion! *g*) In case you're curious I once wrote a long post of my own (here, but it's very scattered. I've been meaning to write something more coherent ever since, and never got there... Anyway, I think that any kind of meta is helpful since it trains your brain to analyse things.
Oct. 16th, 2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
There are a lot of things in your post I agree with—I hope it's not too rude if I just finish mine instead of commenting there seperately?

We had snow yesterday. *sigh* But at least it's supposed to get a bit milder again next week...
Oct. 17th, 2009 08:50 pm (UTC)
There are a lot of things in your post I agree with—I hope it's not too rude if I just finish mine instead of commenting there seperately?
Oh no, not at all! (Esp since my meta is so old...)

And I hope things warm up for you again.

(Sorry this reply is so late, RL ran away from me.)
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


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