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Apr. 24th, 2010

Hu. I just realised I haven't updated in more than a week, and never even noticed it, because I keep starting to write entries and then delete them again, because mostly it just all seems very, very pointless once I let myself think about it for, oh, a minute. (Or in the case of last week's DW, because I was half-asleep watching it, and that might have been the reason I was pretty much yawning through everything but the first 15 minutes, which I thought were actually pretty good, tea-serving Daleks and all. The Nu!Ikea!Daleks, OTOH, not so much. And haven't found the time/energy/motivation to rewatch so far.)

In other news, I'm ready to hang myself with the damned veil; I really am. Practice and practice and practice, And. It. Doesn't. Get. Better. Or at least not much. Plus, hours of sewing hooks on the costume (& taking them off & sewing them on again) with my mother, and it looks predictably crap-ish on me, no surprise there. I knew silver was a horrible colour for my complexion. Bought silver dancing slippers, there go another € 25.-, thankyouverymuch. The moment I'm done with this I'm going to a) ritually burn the veil, unless, see above, and b) find something else to keep me in a state of minimal fitness. It was a nice try, I wasn't totally incapable, which was a huge surprise, but I think I'm done. It feels increasingly less right for my inner image of myself, or my body.

Yes, I know, blahblahblahwhineshutupshutup.

Sometimes I think the rational part of the brain only exists to tell us just how stupid the emotional part is being. And sometimes I really wish I could turn the emotional part off—I see myself wasting so much energy on negative, limiting, damaging, you name it, emotions, and I still can't stop it, even when I know I'm irrational and overreacting and effectively hurting myself. In all seriousness, this is a question that baffles me. If you know this, If you know better, why doesn't the knowledge make it stop?


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 24th, 2010 09:05 pm (UTC)
In all seriousness, this is a question that baffles me. If you know this, If you know better, why doesn't the knowledge make it stop?
I think it's habit, like bad posture. You know it's bad for you, but you can't just start to walk straight (or quit smoking or eat healthy or whatever it is you're doing that's bad for you) just because you *know* it's bad for you. It takes a lot of practice, and patience, and frustration. I feel the same way about my habit of feeing guilty. I hate it, and I know it's silly, but I can't seem to stop it. I think it's because I'm so used to it, that it's effectively become an addiction. I see myself putting myself in potentially guilt-inducing situations, or inventing guilt for situations where there isn't any, and I. Just. Can't. Stop.
Also, I always wanted to take up kickboxing. I just have to find a convenient gym. One of these days...
Apr. 25th, 2010 10:00 am (UTC)
The older I get, the more ridiculous the idea that we're supposed to be creatures of reason seems. Or is that just me, generalising?

Kickboxing (or something like that) sounds interesting, but gyms are scary (in my mind) because they're full of fit and healthy people who'd probably take a look at me and be all, ROTFL....
Apr. 25th, 2010 10:06 am (UTC)
Ah, I wish we could go the the gym together. That would maybe motivate me. My problem, as you know, is extreme laziness. Once I'm there, I'm very good at ignoring how people look at me. I've been doing it all my life. Also, I know from experience that most of the people who to me look fit and healthy and slim think of themselves as fat and flabby.
Apr. 25th, 2010 10:10 am (UTC)
My problem is *OMG new and scary, hiiiiiide*... *g* And sadly I'm not as good at ignoring how people look at me or what (I imagine) they think about me...
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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