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Hu. I didn't even realise my last update was almost three weeks ago, mostly because I do write, or more precisely start writing entries, but always seem to lose interest before I finish them...

# I'm not throwing away anything again, ever. Well, not really. But still. My mother has never been proven more right.

The thing is, a month ago my elderly (bought in July 2006) iMac started hiccupping. The screen would suddenly go a shade darker, but return to its ordinary brightness when I restarted the computer or put it into sleep mode for a few minutes. But a couple of days ago it suddenly turned itself off, and then started freezing all the time. I asked at an Apple service/support shop, and when I described the symptoms, they told me that it'd be € 99.- just for a diagnosis, that they might not be able to get spare parts for a six year old iMac, and that (worst case scenario) I might be looking at something like € 500.- for repair. Cue, me panicking. I don't really have the time or mental focus to make a decision how to replace the iMac right now, and the expense would be inconvenient, too. Plus, ridiculous as this sounds (oh, never mind 'sounds', it is ridiculous), the computer is, in a way, part of me, my second home, so whenever it stops working, this is emotionally upsetting in some undefinable way, even though I have a two days old Time Machine backup, so lost data wouldn't be a problem.

I waaaah'd on facebook and an acquaintance said it might be worth trying to reinstall the OS. I tried, the computer froze.

Now, to go back a bit, April last year I wanted to install Snow Leopard and needed more memory, and the guy in the Apple store talked me into buying 2 x 2GB although the computer could only actually use 3. I specifically asked and he said it wouldn't be a problem. To cut a frustrating story short, with all 4GB installed the computer wouldn't start at all. At the store they told me I'd have to bring it in for them to look at, at which point I was so pissed off that I decided to just use 2GB which were enough for the installation, and sell the other two, rather than drag the Mac to the store and back and possibly even pay them for finding out what the problem is. Except, lethargic person that I am, more than a year later the 2GB memory was still lying around on my desk.

So, after the failed re-installation I decided to try changing the memory before I'd make another attempt and/or give up, pretty much on a whim. It works. Or seems to work. I can run programs again, I already made a new Time Machine backup, no freezing, no darker screen, nothing. No € 99.- diagnosis or € 500.- repair either.

In conclusion, an iMac that is working again and a hugely relieved solitary_summer, who will never be able to part with anything again in her life, because it might come in useful eventually.

# Minor irritation (hopefully) out of the way, what I'm really struggling with at the moment is that I'll have to find another job in the foreseeable future. Anyone following this journal for any length of time will be bored into a coma familiar with my yearly recurring job crises, but this time it's not me, it's the circumstances, and I really will have to start looking. But looking for what? Another bookstore job? The whole branch of business is in crisis, and it won't get better. Plus, I'd rather get out of retail. I couldn't even conveying convey my enthusiasm in an interview, because it doesn't exist any more, and I'm an appalling liar. Publishing companies are also out, because I don't have the qualifications, and there are plenty of people with a German studies degree already waiting in line.

For a 180 degree change of profession and complete new start I'd need a vision and enthusiasm/energy, and depressing as that is, I don't really have dreams any longer. Not that kind of big, life-changing dreams, anyway. My ambitions right now are getting more fluent in Russian, start Turkish in five years or so, be outside a lot and get a bit fitter. So much for priorities. Or maybe so much for really fucking privileged.

Tourism, especially working as a tour guide, would (theoretically) be an option, because I do have an interest in history, my English is fairly decent and my Russian is getting better, but I don't think I could tolerate working with people that much. I haven't even spoken in front of a group since university, and the thought pretty much makes me want to curl up and hide.

What really would interest me would be working in a library — it'd have books, but without the retail aspect, I'm a systematic thinker, so it'd suit me in this respect, but that would presumably be as hopeless as archaeology was, and equally overrun be idealists with humanities degrees.

Webdesign? Purely theoretically speaking, so far I like the principle of coding, which also suits my way of thinking, and it sort of appeals to my, ahem, artistic sense, but it's probably hopeless to try if you come neither from an artistic/design background, nor an IT background and have to basically start at an extremely basic level of knowledge.

A former friend of mine from university is working in book-keeping now, and I guess I could do that, since she never got tired of telling us how much she'd hated maths at school, and how bad she was at it, while I was always fairly decent and never had any particular aversion, but I don't think I want to do nothing but juggle numbers for the next 25 years of my life.

What I do like about my current job is that it has a sort of... tangible aspect. I like to touch things.

I guess I'll eventually wind up with some sort of office job, because I simply don't know what else I could realistically do.

And the worst thing is, this is a decision that I should have made twenty-two years ago, but am still incapable and apparently not grown-up enough to make now. I suck at life.

# The meta that I don't have time to write, damn it (note to self! job! imortant! focus!), is also driving me crazy. Not just that, it makes me feel stupid, and I really hate that. I thought I'd finally hit upon a structure of a sort, but apparently that was only a first step that helped me sort out my thoughts a bit. The second draft probably won't fare much better. I keep dropping threads, I'm constantly losing sight of the point, and mainly I keep going on the vague, but probably mis-placed suspicion/hope that there is one and it will all come together in the end.

# Last Sunday it crossed my mind that my hiking tours were more fun when they were just walks with a camera, without any pressure. But I decided that this year I'd be pushing myself to regain some sort of basic fitness (that is, at least be able to hike up your average 2.000m mountain in Salzburg with moderate ease), so the camera stays in the rucksack because I don't want to stop all the time, and the whole thing has become a bit stressful.

I guess maybe I should just take it slower, be more patient, because last Sunday I definitely overdid it. I started out at Reichenau at ca. 480 m, the highest point was the Krummbachstein with 1.600m; not that much, really, but the last bit up there went embarrassingly badly. (To be honest, it wasn't fun from the start, where the path wasn't even particularly steep. I'm blaming the sultry weather, or else I can't explain how and why my level of fitness would have deteriorated so badly when two weeks ago I managed a pretty steep 550 m climb up the Kieneck just fine in 1 1/4 hrs. Gah.) After that, what I thought would be a nice even hike along the Schneeberg turned out to be full of ups, downs, roots and rocks, and the last part to Schneebergdörfl was straight down a steep ravine full of rubble you had to slide on/with, with a path not worth that name, and half the time not even that. I was completely exhausted and nauseous when I'd finally got over the worst part.

The new birthday-gift-from-parents hiking boots are brilliant, though (worn for the first time, 9 hrs, no problems), and the landscape there is just amazingly idyllic. A few weeks ago I hiked up and along the Dürre Wand down to Puchberg, and I was stunned by how beautiful it was. How could I have missed that for 40 years of my life? It was a cold day with an icy wind, and the muscle-knots that keep acting up now and again were bothering me, so mostly I was just cold, grumpy, hurting, and only hoping that it wouldn't get too bad before I made it back to civilisation. All the time I kept thinking that I'd do this again when it's warmer and the weather is better, and take picture then, but already on my way home I was regretting not taking out the camera after all and at least try to capture the mood, because I realised that the weather was part of what made it so special and that I won't find that kind of absolute peace and quiet — I met three people all in all during an 8 hrs hike; should probably really have taken the mobile with me — there on a sunny, warm, day, certainly not on a weekend...

# On that note, today is a holiday, but I'm staying at home for once. I'm not even feeling very guilty; I'm just so tired, the last days I woke up more exhausted than I'd gone to bed...



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 7th, 2012 09:10 pm (UTC)
Plus, ridiculous as this sounds (oh, never mind 'sounds', it is ridiculous), the computer is, in a way, part of me, my second home, so whenever it stops working, this is emotionally upsetting in some undefinable way
Oh it's not ridiculous, I know exactly how you feel. I've got an eMac, and I'm not even sure how old it is, because I bought it used. And although buying something new is a moot point (because I can't afford something new), I still love it to pieces, even though it's slow and rickety.

And the worst thing is, this is a decision that I should have made twenty-two years ago, but am still incapable and apparently not grown-up enough to make now. I suck at life.
Well I've been a stay-at-home mum for... years, and now I work in an office (because bills need paying), and rather like it. But I still want to do something... different. Like writing. Would love to study literature. So yeah, I get you.

Oh and good luck with the meta. As I've FINALLY managed to get a fic into shape (after eight months worth of 'This refuses to work') I feel your pain and predict that at some point it will decide to co-operate. Probably in an unexpected manner. Looking forward to seeing it, when it does.
Jun. 8th, 2012 07:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)

Although OTOH I probably shouldn't even be thinking about the meta right now...

(The problem is, I started in the bookstore when I was still writing my diss, it was never meant to last as long as it did, and even studying archaeology wasn't as thought-through a decision as it should have been. Now for once in my life I have to consciously decide what I 1) want to do, and 2) realistically can do, and I'm completely at a loss.)

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


solitary summer

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