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Sep. 16th, 2013

So that was that.

It's like the year that never was, in a way. The eight months that never were.

I've no idea really, what I've done since... some time in spring?

Intellectually I know what I did, obviously, but there is no feeling connected to it, no sense of time at all. Work, study. Running, because I didn't have time for hiking tours. Some progress there, 70+ minutes again. A couple of translations, but I have a hard time recalling what they even were about. Heatwave at some point? When did it become September?

I don’t even feel anything in connection with the exam, and that was only last Monday. It feels like ages ago. After the written exam I felt a sort of relief, now I feel as if an entirely different person did all that. There’s the knowledge in my head, apparently, but it feels like it’s someone else, not me at all. I’ve got so good at turning myself off, a little more with every breakdown I had, how do I turn myself on again? I feel nothing, nothing at all. Not even miserable any longer. It's a bit scary, actually.

I’ve got a good grade, but in a way that makes me almost ashamed, because apparently this is all I’m good for, in the end.

I don't have a relationship, I don't have children (that ship has pretty much sailed in any case, but I never even felt any ticking clock), I can't maintain friendships, I don't even want the responsibility for a pet. I completely fail at social everything. At 40+ I still can't even begin to figure out my life any what I want from it, apparently, but I can waste eight months on something I knew wasn't for me seven months ago and force myself to go through with it and get an A, because that's still the easier option. So fucking conditioned. Depressing. Coward.

I tell myself that lives are different and that there are no absolute parameters for success or failure, but while I can understand that intellectually, emotionally it feels like those are the hallmarks - job, family, and that I've failed completely. And really, it's not as if I have anything else to show, so how am I not a failure?

Also, back to square one, after eight months wasted.

I'm in Salzburg now and I'll try to get my head cleared a bit over the next two weeks, but I have little hope that anything will actually come of it.

It’s raining.

Mostly I just want to feel something again.



solitary summer

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